Top 5 Funniest Donald Trump Articles By The Onion
Top 5 Funniest Donald Trump Articles By The Onion
Donald Trump has without a shadow of doubt created the greatest and most entertaining media frenzy of any major candidate running for President in the history of the United States. Every major media outlet has taken to the man like newborn baby to its mother’s breast. The stories we have been witnessed could not have been thought up even in the most absurd game of the card game, Cards Against Humanity – and yet, they have been told!
As is standard, no one tells a story better than the satirical news outlet, The Onion. We have scoured The Onion to find and share their top 5 funniest articles about the man we now call “The Donald”.
No. 5 from The Onion: Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him. “From day one, my internal thought processes and overall temperament have completely stacked the deck against my candidacy—it’s so obvious, folks, you can’t deny it,” said Trump, claiming that all facets of his character, from his egocentric worldview to his brash, vitriolic responses to even the smallest and most inconsequential provocations, have been colluding to ruin his chances of ever reaching the Oval Office. “Open your eyes, people! Just look at how I routinely project the fear and hatred inside of me onto others, or my total lack of impulse control, conscientiousness, and tact. My personality is doing everything—and I mean everything—to make sure I never have a chance.” Trump then reportedly vowed that no matter how many of his own character traits aligned against him, he would never let his personality stop him from becoming president, drawing raucous cheers from the crowd.
No. 4 from The Onion: Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate
We are great because we are good.” -Hillary Clinton
We are great because we have a massive nuclear arsenal.
“And I will tell you, Hillary Clinton is raising your taxes, folks. You can look at me. She’s raising your taxes really high.” -Donald Trump
False, but everybody is pretty comfortable with this one.
“There is no evidence that any classified information [in my private emails] ended up in the wrong hands.” -Hillary Clinton
Proven false by our father-in-law’s rambling 2,000-word Facebook tirade.
“I am looking to appoint judges very much in the mold of Justice Scalia.” -Donald Trump
Antonin Scalia was a once-in-a-lifetime paragon of judicial wisdom whose like shall never again grace this earth.
“I want a Supreme Court that will stick with marriage equality.” -Hillary Clinton
True as of 2013.
“She got caught in a total lie, her papers went out to all her friends at the banks, Goldman Sachs and everybody else, and she said things, WikiLeaks, that just came out. And she lied. Now she’s blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln.” -Donald Trump
While this is true, the question was about Aleppo.
[Applause] -Debate audience
“We’ve seen him rate women on their appearance, ranking them from one to 10.” -Hillary Clinton
This is a disservice to Trump’s highly nuanced system of ranking women according to both their physical attributes and responsiveness to his advances.
“Thy soul is by vile fear assailed, which oft so overcasts a man, that he recoils from noblest resolution, like a beast at some false semblance in the twilight gloom.” -Donald Trump
“Nobody has more respect for women than I do.” -Donald Trump
This one was a little freebie for our fact-checkers.
No. 3 from The Onion: Damning Video Surfaces Of Trump Accepting GOP Nomination For President
WASHINGTON—Following on the heels of other troubling revelations that have forced a growing number of Republican leaders to distance themselves from the embattled candidate, a damning video reportedly surfaced Sunday morning showing Donald Trump accepting the GOP nomination for president. “The video that emerged this morning is extremely damaging, as the audio clearly captures Mr. Trump speaking the phrase ‘I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States’—there’s no walking this one back,” said an anonymous GOP official of the incriminating recording from July 2016, admitting that he did not believe anyone in his party could reasonably defend what occurred in the footage. “The video itself is pretty hard to watch, it’s so disturbing. While most of the party’s leadership has long tried to act as if this is all normal, having the physical evidence of him actually saying something like that, it makes it impossible for us to deny the truth about him. We can’t have something this harmful and offensive hanging over our party before an election.” At press time, a chorus of high-profile Republicans was calling on Trump to apologize for and take back his remark.
No. 2 from The Onion: Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate. “Just the way he carried himself up there on the debate stage, Trump definitely came off very male tonight,” said Amarillo, TX resident Brad Miller, adding that he was repeatedly struck by Trump’s body language, behavior, and vocal characteristics, which he said imbued the candidate with a distinctive male air that he found reassuring. “He conducted himself in an extremely male manner all night long regardless of the topic he was discussing, and that definitely resonated with me. I can easily see him being male for the next four years.” Viewers admitted that while Hillary Clinton seemed intelligent and capable throughout the debate, she failed to project the suitable male demeanor necessary to hold the Oval Office.
No. 1 from The Onion:Trump Spends Entire Classified National Security Briefing Asking About Egyptian Mummies
NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies. “What can you tell me about the dangers posed by mummies, and what are we doing to prevent invoking the ire of King Tut?” Trump reportedly asked in response to an update on growing militarism among insurgent factions in Egypt, before requesting a detailed assessment on mummies’ known strengths and weaknesses and an estimate on the total number of burial chambers in the region. “Have we disturbed any of their tombs? Are they seeking revenge? I want to know which pyramids we need to worry about. Just tell me how many years of curses we’re talking about here.” Upon the conclusion of the top-secret briefing, Trump reportedly double-checked with the intelligence agents that Vikings no longer exist and that they currently pose no threat to the United States.
There you have it folks, our thoughts on the funniest Trump articles in this election! Which one did you find the most hilarious? Let us know in the comments section below!